Everything should be easy.
We lose meaning in these strange days, meaning of all things that should matter to us. That supposed to mean something. From the first day in school to the last one, everything has a meaning and we aimlessly lose it.
Where are your days full of meaning, full of wonder and childlike aw.
My goodness! What happens to us as we age.
Do we really know do we really understand? Or just play around and go about our daily business as if our lives are bunch of compartmentalized events that are detached from one another. And all we know is tomorrow!
We plan than we fail or succeed. Than we go on without understanding what was it really about, not even seeing the point or meaning or nothing, just existing and living another life.
Simple things ster me.
Today I met my form-master. I am not sure if you can relate but in Russian this person means a lot in your life. It is someone who knows you and helps you every day of your school life for least 5 years; if I would translate our post-Soviet school system in your Europeanized-American school system it would be like someone who takes you by the hand from 7th grade till the graduation which is 12. So I met her today and felt like a complete idiot, like I missed something and my life has absolutely no meaning what so ever. And it’s a good thing that I felt that because that might as well be true. My goodness life is fast. And no you don’t realize it till you graduate from school and your normal predictable happy life takes on new forms and ideas which are not yours to begin with. They are someone else’s ideas about how the world around you should be managed, they are forced upon you before you are able to realize anything, either good or bad. I want to live on another planet and I don’t mean suicidal shit that is too easy and I hate easy. I want the real deal right here, right now. And I believe its achievable if you really believe in it. Because I know that everything you believe in and don’t believe in – you do every day. Its just not your life you live in. It is some else’s live you live thinking that this is the perfect tomorrow what in fact is bunch of bullshit and its all fake and has no meaning what so ever.
To raise children, work and I mean work, not the shit we get today, to love someone and do other things we all call living should be easy. We are not living our own lives.
What happens to us as we graduate from school and go to work or go on to another school as if the privies 12 years didn’t mean anything. What happens? What happens to us?! And I demand no simple answer because no simple answer is needed.
I demand all knowing, all powerful and all-consuming answer!
Why is that we struggle without meaning and then, just then, we are being taught how to survive this struggle and live on. And people right books and sing song how to go about this existence and survive it but all without remedy. Where are the days full of meaning where people are free?
This conversation, with my form-master, without words changed more in my life more than many hours of teachings and many hours of my parents lecturing me of how it should be and on and on and on.
We lose time, we lose it meaninglessly and it’s not our fault and it is our fault.
God help us! And I will find my answer ether for good or for bad but I will find it.
Then hold on.
Because I will come and get you.